The Novice Ransom Artist's Guide (Parody)
Always use safety scissors when cutting magazine letters. We're criminals, not monsters!
Step 1: Choose your victim wisely. We recommend starting with your houseplant's favorite pot or your roommate's coffee mug.
Step 2: Gather magazines from 1987-2003 for that authentic vintage threat aesthetic.
Step 3: Write in ALL CAPS because lowercase letters show weakness and proper grammar.
Step 4: Include at least 3 spelling errors to throw off the FBI's handwriting analysts.
For when you need to make a statement but also respect personal boundaries.
Adds a touch of medieval class to your modern kidnapping.
The typewriter classic - because nothing says "serious business" like 1970s office equipment.
• Pro Tip: National Geographic has the best 'A's, but Good Housekeeping dominates the 'E' market.
• Color Coordination: Match your threat level to your letter colors. Red for urgent, blue for casual kidnapping.
• Glue Stick Etiquette: Always use acid-free adhesive. Your ransom note should last for generations.
• Letter Hoarding: Start collecting vowels early. You'll thank us during ransom season.
Pros: Instant, trackable, includes fun emojis
Cons: Leaves digital footprint, requires WiFi
Best for: Millennials who can't handle cash
Pros: Untraceable, eco-friendly, very dramatic
Cons: Bird might get distracted, weather dependent
Best for: Traditional criminals with patience
*Now featuring our patented Ransomizer™ technology!
⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This website is 100% satirical parody content. Do not actually kidnap anything or anyone. We are not responsible for any houseplants that develop trust issues. No actual crimes were committed in the making of this website. Please ransom responsibly. 🎭
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